Simply Put

I like to always remember the things about ourselves others can’t take away. Late night style thinking. Completed a chapter in a book, thinking. There is beauty within us untouchable by others, even from ourselves. Maybe there are moments when it hides, from everyone. Hides to stay in tact. Hides to stay safe and not be altered.

This beauty so true has stayed the same from infancy all the way up till now and beyond. Infancy. This light about us, soul-like, though more visually tangible to us, on the earthly plane.

When it’s dark out, raining, and the walls are being raised around me, I look here. I look here and find who I really am. The darkness can hide these good, beautiful, natural things about ourselves but they are never gone. It is here, within remembering, believing and enjoying these beauties that the life of light itself sparks back. Sparks back and quiets the darkness. Then our eyes adjust and we move forward into the new plane of existence and realization that is life and the beauty that is us.

This beauty is what makes me want to believe we are all naturally good. Along the way there are those walls, those life circumstances that make us stumble. Lose sight. But it is always there, none the less, waiting for it to be reignited. Awakened.

I call it beauty because really there are no words.

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The Jamey Experiment

“I like someone who is a little crazy but coming from a good place. I think scars are sexy because it means you made a mistake that led to a mess.” – Angelina Jolie

So I actually went out on the town as a Single Woman. Woah. What’s interesting to notice are the lingering boundaries. Now I’m not talking like, “ch’ya I dunno why I wouldn’t sleep with him, something just said no.” That’s not it. I’m not a slut. I’m talking more like keeping my space from guys I don’t really know. Granted I did hit on some people I know from High School, 75% not legitimate 25% legitimate (hit-on-age). But other than that I have a barrier. A…don’t talk to me barrier. It’s almost instinctual, really, the way you know you shouldn’t do something NATURALLY and so you don’t do it. But more than likely it’s that left over “I know he wouldn’t like it if this happened” that has been so engrained for so long it feels second nature.

Second nature.

What a strange ideal. That something you have done so repetitively becomes second to nature. Too natural, as in we would be born doing this behavior. I think not.

However true or not true that statement is, I feel like my own science experiment. I mean a friend of mine’s girlfriend asked me if I’ll be “gun-shy” from now on. Interesting question. Here’s another, “how the hell am I supposed to know that?” Really people, do you think that the second a relationship ends you’re pursuing one to fill it? At least in the sense that I was MARRIED and am now NOT. It’s not as if it’s a job and the position has now become available to the next applicant. Cheese and Rice people.

“Gun Shy.”

Really? 1. I say really because…who the FUCK asks that question when you first meet them or at all. 2. Because how am I supposed to know that. Decided Divorce wasn’t until November 2011. Mind you that was only a few months ago. Also, mind you, that if that relationship didn’t work out, which it did not, do you think I’m gallivanting around looking for Husband Numero Dos? No. So my “gun-shy” – ness won’t be discovered for a long time from now.

Insert: The “You could have had a V8” forehead slap.

So back from my rant to my original point. The Jamey experiment. Being single as an Adult. I started dating my ex in 2006, 5 years ago, I was 19. I am 24 now, soon to be 25. Really I don’t know what dating is. But it will be interesting. So be prepared WordPress World because I will be sharing my findings.

Learning Along the Way

‘You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.’ – Mae West

This quote has caused me so much anxiety. Why? The pressure of it all, the late night thoughts, the daytime fears. Of what? Of whether I am indeed doing it right the first, and only, time. I mean really, what is the big idea putting this much pressure on ourselves? Each day, does each day have to count? What if there are multiple days that seem to mean nothing, what if at the end of a month you still feel miserable? What if there is a point where you’re waiting for years to pass because some part of you knows things will be better then? And you’re counting down your life,  your life?!

Dust settles, realization begins.

I’ve always had this fear, tucked away, that I wouldn’t make the most of this life, for myself and for those I’ve lost along the way.

It’s not what you do but how you do it. How you are at any moment. How you are at living. How you are at being, picking up when you feel like sitting down, crawling forward when your last bit of energy could be given to rest. 2012 has brought that understanding to me. I know how naive and silly it seems a year can bring progress, momentum? What is this? Still it’s my perspective change leading into this new period.

Saying that 2012 brought this is a summary to what really is: which is that I allowed myself to understand this quote, this mantra, now. Now when I needed it. Now when I needed to remember what life used to be like, the care free way; not that bills and stress aren’t always there. Hardships can be easier by how we handle them, who we keep with us during them. All these small insignificant life choices that lead to that living and “doing it right” moment.

To sign off, I hope that we all find value in quotes like these and that when we do it’s the right value. It’s not to create some “extreme” version of life where we “trim the fat” along the way, getting rid of what feels insignificant at the time. The true realization is that each moment, no matter how small, is an invaluable piece.

I’m glad I know that now.

I Read for Pleasure

Book reading Goal: 20 books read by 2013

So far I’ve read:

  1. The Hunger Games
  2. Catching Fire
  3. Mocking Jay

Currently reading:

  1. Wicked

Reading has been amazing. Quite literally is the best way to escape. At any moment I could be waging war, being born into a family of mystical creatures or being followed by zombies. Who couldn’t love that?

“Every man who knows how to read has it in his power to magnify himself, to multiply the ways in which he exists, to make his life full, significant and interesting.”Aldous Huxley

To add to the abilities a book has to thrust me into realms I could only imagine, it has incredible healing power. Going through a Divorce helped to dilute the person that I am. Reading seems to magnify things about myself that I wasn’t seeing; strength, creativity, compassion. Bluntly: my awesomeness.

Something else about the written word is it gives me desire to share; Blogging, Twitter, Pinterest, photography, everyday communication…the list goes on. Sharing is caring about myself. Really if you don’t have anything you wish to share with anyone else than who are you? And why should we care that you even exist?

Books: an addiction that I’m welcoming with open arms.

2012 Goal: No doubt I will surpass it.

Transitional Uprising

I feel again this power radiating from within me. The exciting part is that it’s infecting my inspiration and adventurous receptors. All in full boom. Life is also radiating. There’s nothing I like more than feeling like finally life is at my grasp. You could say I am at the pinnacle; as the Bender Ball enthusiasts would say, “And that’s the best part.”

pin·na·cle

the highest or culminating point, as of success, power, fame, etc.
More like the pinnacle of this period of my life. The peak of this misery I have been put through or trauma or hardship or…or…or. Through the downfall of this epic failure will rise the Phoenix, new and un-tame into the wild unknown.

pe·ri·od

God‘s monthly torture towards women for Eve’s mistake.

We are reborn into our own lives over and over. It’s amazing how many chances we get to turn things around for ourselves. What’s also amazing is how many people don’t take those chances. Realize nothing and are stuck. I refuse to be a victim to situational standardized misery. The looks I receive spewing, “Why are you not drowning in your sorrows,” will not shake me. For when did strength become frowned upon? I am uprising and awoken.

up·ris·ing

1. to rise up; get up, as from a lying or sitting posture.
2. to rise into view: As we approached the city, the spires of tall buildings uprose as if to greet us.
3. to rise in revolt.
4. to come into existence or prominence: Many calamities uprose to plague the people during the war.
5. to move upward; mount up; ascend.

Just Words

My heart keeps beating and my lungs keep filling with air.

Everyday I’m stronger. Every thought more clear.

These are the days I will remember forever. Not the painful ones but the ones leading up to my moments of greatness.

Realizing my full potential. Rising above the tall trees of my own failures, shortcomings and fears. Towering above them I will be taller.

Not a mountain or a skyscraper.

Taller.

Looking down.

Being proud.

Replaying my life through quick pictures, a montage. An ode to it all. The hard times being almost like head liners, being the tools shaping me.

Molding.

Here I am perfect now.

Heart beating, lungs full with oxygen. I realize that my life is the best version of it that there could have been.

As my lungs say they’re full, I am as well.

Full.