Fear

 

Maybe if I keep this up I’ll be prepared for it all. Maybe if I prepare for all of the worst it won’t be so bad when they happen.

It’s maybe this, maybe that…it’s hard to keep track.

You tell me everything will be fine and that in time I’ll believe you; but can that really be true?

I’m so jaded by what’s real and what isn’t, that pretending you’re a dream and I’ll wake up is the easiest explanation.

Bring me back, reality; therefore I won’t fear the dream. I’m constantly battling the fantasy of fairytale.

 

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My own Fifty Shades

My sexuality is feeling boundless as well as my insecurity.

It is the way of the world those being tethered to one another. Keeping us all locked in a prison of irony and sanctity.

There are so many things I am aching for, from life, and I’m feeling trapped from them. Admittedly, by my own doing.

For the first time in so long I’m wanting to feel the freshness of a new relationship, the clarity of its walls being unknown. Keeping definitions to a minimum. I want and am excited to learn someone new.

 

I am curious and crazed. My book shelf as of late not helping (Fifty shades of Fucked Up).

The Jamey Experiment

“I like someone who is a little crazy but coming from a good place. I think scars are sexy because it means you made a mistake that led to a mess.” – Angelina Jolie

So I actually went out on the town as a Single Woman. Woah. What’s interesting to notice are the lingering boundaries. Now I’m not talking like, “ch’ya I dunno why I wouldn’t sleep with him, something just said no.” That’s not it. I’m not a slut. I’m talking more like keeping my space from guys I don’t really know. Granted I did hit on some people I know from High School, 75% not legitimate 25% legitimate (hit-on-age). But other than that I have a barrier. A…don’t talk to me barrier. It’s almost instinctual, really, the way you know you shouldn’t do something NATURALLY and so you don’t do it. But more than likely it’s that left over “I know he wouldn’t like it if this happened” that has been so engrained for so long it feels second nature.

Second nature.

What a strange ideal. That something you have done so repetitively becomes second to nature. Too natural, as in we would be born doing this behavior. I think not.

However true or not true that statement is, I feel like my own science experiment. I mean a friend of mine’s girlfriend asked me if I’ll be “gun-shy” from now on. Interesting question. Here’s another, “how the hell am I supposed to know that?” Really people, do you think that the second a relationship ends you’re pursuing one to fill it? At least in the sense that I was MARRIED and am now NOT. It’s not as if it’s a job and the position has now become available to the next applicant. Cheese and Rice people.

“Gun Shy.”

Really? 1. I say really because…who the FUCK asks that question when you first meet them or at all. 2. Because how am I supposed to know that. Decided Divorce wasn’t until November 2011. Mind you that was only a few months ago. Also, mind you, that if that relationship didn’t work out, which it did not, do you think I’m gallivanting around looking for Husband Numero Dos? No. So my “gun-shy” – ness won’t be discovered for a long time from now.

Insert: The “You could have had a V8” forehead slap.

So back from my rant to my original point. The Jamey experiment. Being single as an Adult. I started dating my ex in 2006, 5 years ago, I was 19. I am 24 now, soon to be 25. Really I don’t know what dating is. But it will be interesting. So be prepared WordPress World because I will be sharing my findings.