My sexuality is feeling boundless as well as my insecurity.
It is the way of the world those being tethered to one another. Keeping us all locked in a prison of irony and sanctity.
There are so many things I am aching for, from life, and I’m feeling trapped from them. Admittedly, by my own doing.
For the first time in so long I’m wanting to feel the freshness of a new relationship, the clarity of its walls being unknown. Keeping definitions to a minimum. I want and am excited to learn someone new.
I am curious and crazed. My book shelf as of late not helping (Fifty shades of Fucked Up).
What do I miss about love? Love. Ha. Just reading it makes my heart sink 5 feet into the ground. I almost feel like I’m not quite sure what that is. I know what it’s not. I know I’ve become friends with aspects of it. Visited it. Pretended in it; like dress-up.
Because of new/old people in my life, revisiting, I’m seeing things I never would have noticed before. Things that I need in someone else and in myself. I can’t get by in life only having my work life. I can’t get by without writing or taking pictures or being excited about life and it’s possibilities. Previous to my Divorce I was on a one way, no rest-stops, no exits. Just careening towards the inevitable.
What do I miss about love? Romance. The innocence of it all. That at the base of every moment there is only one thing, love. That sickly, can’t shake it, death-bed please be by my side at my worst, love. Currently I don’t want those things. I don’t want to start over. I don’t want to be naked. But I miss it. More than mourning the loss of my best friend, I’m mourning love lost. It’s what hurts the most.
This time last year my relationship was in complete turmoil. The kind that makes you obsessively contemplate, “what will make this better?” Your desperation to fix your relationship is multiplied by your desire to no longer feel…destroyed. I’m not sure if that’s a strong enough word for how it feels when the world has lost it’s shape and all things seem to be unrecognizable.
Quite literally I was crushed. Crushed beneath the weight of it all. I couldn’t crawl my way out of the pit that I had fallen into. For some reason the happiness that I could have, easily, didn’t align with the happiness that he needed. And he would not live without what happiness he desired, there was no room for compromise. But to try to figure all of this out with someone who could not process their own feelings. What is there to fix?
Somehow we carried forward. Limping. And the emotional toll was taken from my body. My physical health deteriorated quickly with a flu that was unwavering followed by a cyst in my chest. Horrible. It was as if the emotional damage was taking a physical manifestation.
Here I am again, the anniversary of it all. Divorce is final. Sickness has returned, as well as the cyst.
“Americans, who make more of marrying for love than any other people, also break up more of their marriages, but the figure reflects not so much the failure of love as the determination of people not to live without it.” – Morton Hunt
“I like someone who is a little crazy but coming from a good place. I think scars are sexy because it means you made a mistake that led to a mess.” – Angelina Jolie
So I actually went out on the town as a Single Woman. Woah. What’s interesting to notice are the lingering boundaries. Now I’m not talking like, “ch’ya I dunno why I wouldn’t sleep with him, something just said no.” That’s not it. I’m not a slut. I’m talking more like keeping my space from guys I don’t really know. Granted I did hit on some people I know from High School, 75% not legitimate 25% legitimate (hit-on-age). But other than that I have a barrier. A…don’t talk to me barrier. It’s almost instinctual, really, the way you know you shouldn’t do something NATURALLY and so you don’t do it. But more than likely it’s that left over “I know he wouldn’t like it if this happened” that has been so engrained for so long it feels second nature.
What a strange ideal. That something you have done so repetitively becomes second to nature. Too natural, as in we would be born doing this behavior. I think not.
However true or not true that statement is, I feel like my own science experiment. I mean a friend of mine’s girlfriend asked me if I’ll be “gun-shy” from now on. Interesting question. Here’s another, “how the hell am I supposed to know that?” Really people, do you think that the second a relationship ends you’re pursuing one to fill it? At least in the sense that I was MARRIED and am now NOT. It’s not as if it’s a job and the position has now become available to the next applicant. Cheese and Rice people.
Really? 1. I say really because…who the FUCK asks that question when you first meet them or at all. 2. Because how am I supposed to know that. Decided Divorce wasn’t until November 2011. Mind you that was only a few months ago. Also, mind you, that if that relationship didn’t work out, which it did not, do you think I’m gallivanting around looking for Husband Numero Dos? No. So my “gun-shy” – ness won’t be discovered for a long time from now.
Insert: The “You could have had a V8” forehead slap.
So back from my rant to my original point. The Jamey experiment. Being single as an Adult. I started dating my ex in 2006, 5 years ago, I was 19. I am 24 now, soon to be 25. Really I don’t know what dating is. But it will be interesting. So be prepared WordPress World because I will be sharing my findings.
So I was Googling, yes that’s an activity, and ended up with this site. How? Well of course I googled, “how to forgive after a divorce.” Thank goodness I did; I could tell I was being bothered by the whole thing (who wouldn’t?).
Something I know to be true for myself is that FORGIVENESS is a big thing. Not that I have the inability but that it’s very important to not have any lingering bitter feelings towards anyone. To completely let go of it all.
It’s like a weight lifted off your shoulders, you don’t have to like the person or even ever talk to them again. But when you forgive you become a better you. Who doesn’t want that? I think we could all use a little more forgiveness, the world is so hard on us all already. We should really give each other a break.
So even though my heart is still in shreds and my financial life in turmoil, I am ready to let go of any hostile feelings. Because I did really love him and there is no shame in that.