My Uncle said to me that once he stopped looking for love he then found it. Or more like it came upon him. Suddenly then, it was natural and unwavering.
This thought interests me. Originally, I hadn’t felt that I sought out love. It didn’t seem forced. Gradually, however, under further examination, it appeared my history was a little less than. Less than natural, less than healthy and just less than.
What feels like breath and a cool breeze is where I’m at now. It’s not difficult. It comes without thought. The natural flow to it all is surprising. In a way it can be scary and overwhelming.
Even so soon the fear of losing such a feeling can be…almost self destructive. In the same breath I can say it feels it will never end. The fear I keep hidden away, realizing most irrational thoughts now are brought on by my past and the insecurities that have now been engrained.
My life feels in constant motion. I’m not sure how long this will last or if it will ever end.
Motion as in chaos.
I’m making monumental decisions about my life. Where. When. What.
It must be done. Things are different now, though I’m holding on, and I must change with it.
For now my focus is the gym and hang-outs when I want to. You could say I’m hiding out but I feel focused. As much as possible when life feels so distracted and unrelenting. My break is books and keeping away from others.
This year is transitional and next year will be bigger. I see things ahead, on the horizon. Maybe to be expected by some but for me…it’s finally happening.