Driving. Ears clogged. I’m trapped in my own inner workings; digestion, realization, thought. Not in a bad way but almost in a comatose state. The thoughts are foggy, sounds echoed and I can’t get my mind to waver.
Pop. Pop. Ears trying to find some release. Here I release as well. Set free from the coma and thrust back into reality. Leaves me wondering, “When did I pass Fred Meyer’s?”
In these moments I’m trapped like the pages of a diary; forever reliving a moment. More a montage of moments but instantaneous. From listing off characteristics of a boy I like to speaking in code about my unhappiness.
What we write never is exactly how the moments play out. They can get close but the tangible note-book page feeling never gets there.
I wish words came with emoticons that you could press and actually feel that emotion. For what it was. For it’s complexity.
These waves help me process small bits of my life. What I feel, why I feel it. I like to understand. What I don’t understand is why I let myself get to these places where reflection is needed , “hindsight is 20/20.” I wish that in a moment I could pause and choose to continue. Yes or No. Sometimes clicking No.
I want to have more control.
I like to always remember the things about ourselves others can’t take away. Late night style thinking. Completed a chapter in a book, thinking. There is beauty within us untouchable by others, even from ourselves. Maybe there are moments when it hides, from everyone. Hides to stay in tact. Hides to stay safe and not be altered.
This beauty so true has stayed the same from infancy all the way up till now and beyond. Infancy. This light about us, soul-like, though more visually tangible to us, on the earthly plane.
When it’s dark out, raining, and the walls are being raised around me, I look here. I look here and find who I really am. The darkness can hide these good, beautiful, natural things about ourselves but they are never gone. It is here, within remembering, believing and enjoying these beauties that the life of light itself sparks back. Sparks back and quiets the darkness. Then our eyes adjust and we move forward into the new plane of existence and realization that is life and the beauty that is us.
This beauty is what makes me want to believe we are all naturally good. Along the way there are those walls, those life circumstances that make us stumble. Lose sight. But it is always there, none the less, waiting for it to be reignited. Awakened.
I call it beauty because really there are no words.