My life feels in constant motion. I’m not sure how long this will last or if it will ever end.
Motion as in chaos.
I’m making monumental decisions about my life. Where. When. What.
It must be done. Things are different now, though I’m holding on, and I must change with it.
For now my focus is the gym and hang-outs when I want to. You could say I’m hiding out but I feel focused. As much as possible when life feels so distracted and unrelenting. My break is books and keeping away from others.
This year is transitional and next year will be bigger. I see things ahead, on the horizon. Maybe to be expected by some but for me…it’s finally happening.
Obviously I’ve caught some sort of romantic bug. Quote of the day. Songs trapped in my head. So glad that Pandora isn’t fueled on brain waves. What is it to feel romantic? What is it to have some sort of chocolatey gooeyness coursing through your veins?
It feels like a health condition.
Usually when thoughts like these pop in my head I create a Romantic Comedy Marathon on Netflix. Fuels my, already deep, addiction.
What I enjoy about feeling like a human sweetheart candy is the innocent and jovial factor. Currently I might have a bitter after taste but blood still courses hot through my heart. Every beat a yearn for what can’t be mistaken to be human nature. There will always be a gravitational pull towards those who surround us. Like the variables in an equation, we dance around symbols and signs. The dance continues on until we make our way to the logical conclusion.
We were born for it. Created for it. Fish do it, less complicated of course. Whether it be spawning or bonding that bring us together we find a match. Who knows about that “only one special someone” factor. Not sure if I believe that, not now. But what I do know is at the right moment there will be no doubt.
I’m literally gushing. I cannot believe I feel so red-cheeked and smitten with simple ideals.
“I must learn to love the fool in me the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries.” – Theodore Isaac Rubin
“I like someone who is a little crazy but coming from a good place. I think scars are sexy because it means you made a mistake that led to a mess.” – Angelina Jolie
So I actually went out on the town as a Single Woman. Woah. What’s interesting to notice are the lingering boundaries. Now I’m not talking like, “ch’ya I dunno why I wouldn’t sleep with him, something just said no.” That’s not it. I’m not a slut. I’m talking more like keeping my space from guys I don’t really know. Granted I did hit on some people I know from High School, 75% not legitimate 25% legitimate (hit-on-age). But other than that I have a barrier. A…don’t talk to me barrier. It’s almost instinctual, really, the way you know you shouldn’t do something NATURALLY and so you don’t do it. But more than likely it’s that left over “I know he wouldn’t like it if this happened” that has been so engrained for so long it feels second nature.
What a strange ideal. That something you have done so repetitively becomes second to nature. Too natural, as in we would be born doing this behavior. I think not.
However true or not true that statement is, I feel like my own science experiment. I mean a friend of mine’s girlfriend asked me if I’ll be “gun-shy” from now on. Interesting question. Here’s another, “how the hell am I supposed to know that?” Really people, do you think that the second a relationship ends you’re pursuing one to fill it? At least in the sense that I was MARRIED and am now NOT. It’s not as if it’s a job and the position has now become available to the next applicant. Cheese and Rice people.
Really? 1. I say really because…who the FUCK asks that question when you first meet them or at all. 2. Because how am I supposed to know that. Decided Divorce wasn’t until November 2011. Mind you that was only a few months ago. Also, mind you, that if that relationship didn’t work out, which it did not, do you think I’m gallivanting around looking for Husband Numero Dos? No. So my “gun-shy” – ness won’t be discovered for a long time from now.
Insert: The “You could have had a V8” forehead slap.
So back from my rant to my original point. The Jamey experiment. Being single as an Adult. I started dating my ex in 2006, 5 years ago, I was 19. I am 24 now, soon to be 25. Really I don’t know what dating is. But it will be interesting. So be prepared WordPress World because I will be sharing my findings.